


Master's Acerbic Servant Hassle

by Anonymous



Category: Fate/Grand Order, MASH (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Bad Jokes, Gen, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-15
Updated: 2018-03-15
Packaged: 2019-03-31 16:05:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13978683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: A new servant is very bad at getting along with Shielder.





	Master's Acerbic Servant Hassle

"Captain Hawkeye Pierce, reporting for...duty? I mean, I've been called here for some reason, so I imagine there must be a war going on." The man looked around in confusion at the advanced technology surrounding him, before muttering, "not like it's ever anything else..."

Almost immediately, a teenaged girl with light hair approached him with a cheerful greeting. "Oh! Hi! Welcome to Chaldea. You must be the new servant. Something came up very suddenly, so Senpai's occupied at the moment, but I'm sure he'll be happy to meet you soon. I'm Mash Kyrielight, by the way."

"MASH? There's a word I never wanted to hear again. Mind if I call you something else, sweetie? I'm afraid next you're going to tell me we're back in Korea."

"Please don't. And no, it's called Chaldea."

"And where is 'Chaldea'? It kinda sounds like 'Korea', if you ask me."

"The building is located in Antarctica."

"We have wars in Antarctica now? Does anyone...y'know...know when to stop?"

Her smile had quickly worn down to a serious, focused expression. She wasn't used to having to explain so much, and being complained at for her name, which she certainly hadn't chosen, made it all that much worse. "Chaldea isn't an army. We're a small, magical organization trying to prevent the extinction of humanity...and right now that means we're fighting demons."

"Demons!? Like, the Hell kind?"

"...More or less."

"You're at war with Hell. Have you tried forming a treaty?" He grinned, but she seemed confused by the sarcasm. "Okay, never mind that. Are you winning?"

"Things got off to a rough start."

"That doesn't sound like a yes."

"There's a reason we've been summoning so many Servants. I believe in Senpai. We're going to win."

Pierce suddenly looked around then sat down on a nearby bench, performing an exaggerated look of exhaustion. "This is a lot to take in. Do you have anything I could drink?"

"Our water purification systems are the most advanced available in the current era, although-"

"No, no, no, I meant alcohol!"

"Well, um, I can go ask Da Vinci...if anyone would know it'd probably be her..."

"Her? Is she trying to get out of here too? That never works."

Mash said nothing as she exited the room, grateful for an excuse to leave as quickly as possible. Pierce waited impatiently for several moments, but didn't move, before the door opened again and a young man walked into the room.

"Captain Hawkeye Pierce, at your service. Are you my commanding officer?"

"That's a bit of a nonstandard way of putting it, but I suppose it'll do. It's nice to meet you."

The two shared a cordial handshake before Master spoke again. "So, I didn't catch your class. You said people call you 'Hawkeye.' Are you an Archer, then?"

"The name is from a book. I'm a doctor, and I'm not shooting at anybody. With a bow, or anything else!"

"Hmm, that does makes it less likely, but I'm still not sure we can rule it out." He paused for a moment, looking thoughtful. "At any rate, there are only a few humans at Chaldea, and one of them is already a doctor...but I'm sure we can find something for you to do. In the meantime, feel free to check out the facilities and meet everyone here."

"Not yet! I am waiting here for that young lady to bring me my drink." He smiled, for once so earnestly that it was a little terrifying. "You're welcome to join me, of course."

**Author's Note:**

> I saw a ton of the show when my two nearest brothers were watching it several years ago, and now my youngest brother is watching it all the time, so once I thought of the terrible "what if Hawkeye met Mash?" joke it was pretty easy to hack together a few more. Truly, I couldn't have done this terrible, terrible thing without them.
> 
> If you're wondering what class he actually is and don't think it's obvious from the show, I'll just say it was a lucky coincidence I finally had time to finish working on this while waiting for the new banner on the English version...


End file.
